After all was said and done about knowing what my rank list will be, I was hit with a major obstacle. I showed the presumptive list to Wife, after we had talked about the locations of my top 3-4 programs a week earlier, and she calmly stated that, wait for it…she wouldn’t move to my 3rd choice.
Of course I was rational about the whole event – not. You see, I’ve tried to keep her involved in this decision, let her know where I was thinking about applying, and asked her opinions of the cities and overall locations where we’d potentially be moving. A few cities where I had wanted to apply were lost in this process and I proceeded to interview with the assumption that, despite not wanting to move, she’d be OK with where we ended up.
The other notion that ran through my head was an absolutely selfish one: I’ve sacrificed 7 years for her to be near Stepson, lost a year of undergrad, gained $15,000 in out-of-state debt, and was forced to only interview at 2 medical schools (of which only one actually interviewed and accepted me). I’ve done a lot for her and this was my training: 4 years to become an Anesthesiologist, board certified and all. I felt that, given the fact that I’ve put up with 4 years of bad experiences at my medical school with feelings that I might have been happier at another location, I should be able to rank programs based on where I feel I’d receive the best training.
This argument eventually ended up in discussions by her about going separate ways. Wife feels we’re not on the same path anymore – and all because I got upset about one program. Now, don’t worry too much at this point – she brings this idea up every now and then when we have a heated argument. However, I feel somewhat betrayed at the suggestion that I just went about “interviewing all over without talking to me”.
I felt I had taken a great deal of steps to try and avoid this problem – only to have her start 2nd guessing the whole notion of moving. So now I feel that, unless we end up in the program we both want as our primary choice, she’ll decided that it’s not worth it and stay here.
There is a burden I’ve carried for a while now – the idea that she has sacrificed her aspirations for this process. I also worry about where we’ll end up because Stepson will not be coming with us if we move. I’ve spent more time at home, trying to be helpful in order to assuage these concerns, but I’m getting sick and tired of feeling like I’m the bad guy in this situation. It sucks, yes, but I honestly feel that I attempted to keep her involved throughout.
So I’ll move the program low on the list (despite being an outstanding place) and try to patch things up later today. But you know, residency is not going to be easy – anywhere.