Friday, June 29, 2007

Bouncy Bouncy

It’s been kinda fun living in an apartment this summer. The pool is very nice and readily available as a distraction for the kids. I’ve been able to take them down, do some light review of my Boards and Wards books, and increase my vitamin D levels as well. It’s been a good form of exercise for Stepson and Daughter is learning to be less afraid of the water and is trying to swim. The one issue though: bikinis and 20 year-old harlots.

Now, we don’t live near a college, but I’d swear that the majority of people using this pool are college aged and play some sport. They’re toned, tanned, and attractive people walking around the pool at all times of the day and late into the night. I’d say it would be hard for anyone not to notice, especially when most of these comely coeds are wearing very skimpy bikinis.

And there’s the problem. I’m very happily married, to an extremely sexy woman; but I’ve got eyes, an androgenously determined cave-man like need to look, and sunglasses to hide the quick up and down. Crud.

So most of the time I spend in the pool with the kids playing in order to avoid the glances, the smiles, the jumping around, running, and some of the flirtatious demon-bitches who need people to want them for their own agendas. Damn all of you! Damn my stupid need to look! Damn it all!

What’s that? Just stop looking? Well, I would, but it’s hard when you’re reading or walking your kids to the hottub or bathroom and these “temptresses” know you’re alone. Telling me how cute my daughter is, asking me what I’m reading, am I a doctor (since I’m reading medical review books), etc, etc, etc. They ignore the very prominent wedding band, or, as some might suggest, are enticed by the “game” to woo a married man. Can’t a guy get some peace without having to look over his shoulder constantly in case Wife is spying?

So the guilt comes whenever I’ve had a bad day. It’s a male reaction that has been programmed into our genes since the dawn of time, but I should know better. I should be more respectful of Wife and avoid these women like the plague. But then I hear: “Can we go to the pool, dad? Can we go to the pool, dad? Can we go to the pool, dad? Can we go to the pool, dad?” all day long and fear what lies in wait.

***And to anyone who is going to get all huffy over the fact that men look, puuuhhhhllease. Our entire society is based around this well known fact. Why do you think Victoria’s Secret is still in business selling ridiculously expensive bras? I don’t like that it happens, but it does. You’re my support group right now and I’m “getting it off my chest”. ***

11 comments:

Lynn Price said...

Fell over laughing. As an old broad who's been around the block, I applaud the differences between men and women. May they never be genetically altered.

Old MD Girl said...

I don't think most people would be shocked by the idea that men look. It's the idea that you think you're being hit on that's the funniest.

#1 Dinosaur said...

Looking doesn't matter.

Best line ever (from a med school friend's husband):

It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you come home to eat.

Anonymous said...

Nothing wrong with looking and appreciating. No disrespect5 to your wife either. Looking's fine.

It's the attribution of malevolent aspect and intent to the women you're looking at that makes you sound unstable.

Liana said...

You are wearing sunscreen, right?

MedStudentGod (MSG) said...

30 SPF.

OMDG: What, you think I can't get women? I'm one fine man - no really. No really.

And anon...UNSTABLE? Really? Well I have been off my Lithium for a while now...

A girl said...

Thank you for this... That was funny...

Mike said...

I get that alot too. I'm trying to swim and women are always asking me what I'm reading and saying my back looks "sexy" with hair etc etc. All in that demon-bitch-flirty way. It sucks! I'm constantly saying, "Listen ladies BACK OFF, I'm trying pick all this lint out of my belly button and read my X-men comic, JEEZ." When will these big-breasted 20yr olds leave us older chubby married guys alone? Preach on MSG Preach on!

MedStudentGod (MSG) said...

Mike,

Hardy har har. Good to hear from ya man. I miss your sarcastic humor.

Bostonian in NY said...

I think my girlfriend made fun of me at least a dozen times this past weekend for blatantly checking other women out, bless her heart. It doesn't matter how hard you try not to look. As soon as there is cleavage in your field of view, some undefined visual pathway directly projects to the yet-to-be-discovered "T&A Tracking nucleus" in the brain stem, likely located between the superior and inferior salvatory nuclei. In women (my girlfriend at least)there's a parallel pathway projecting to the "Really Expensive Shoe/Handbag Tracking nucleus". I know they're there, I just have to propose the study to NIH.

Marcus said...

Really worthwhile data, much thanks for your article.
car rental phoenix az | rent camera lens | discounted travel