10 minutes ago Wife left for a night out with some of her coworkers. They’re going to go to some Country/ Western bar where someone they know is playing in a band. When she left she looked hot – very hot – and it worried me.
This is sort of out of the norm for her to actually go out without me and/ or the kids and it’s made me nervous. Not so much because I think she’s going out with someone right now, or will find some hick to hook up with for a quickie, but rather the fear that residency holds.
Specifically I’m referring to the lost time, the long hours apart, the stress, and disarray that residency will inflict upon our marriage. I married up, and she down. She’s made some comments recently about me not caring about my image, how old my clothes are (some being 10 years old or more), and how I don’t seem to try anymore. Whatever that means. However, all joking aside, it does sound like she’s getting a bit annoyed with me not improving myself.
A thought has crossed my mind a few times that I wouldn’t want my children to pursue medicine because of the lost time involved. The amount of sacrifice and damage that apparently occurs during this process seems, at least at this small point in my life, to not be worth it. I hope that with time my belief will change. I hope that my wife will be with me throughout the training and career.
I guess I’m just sensing the coming storm of change and have trepidations about the unknown. The future is very bright and dark at the same time in my mind and I’m having difficulties keeping out reflections on my life to this point – ah the disappointment I’ve been - and making correlations with my marriage.
I guess what I’m trying to say, after all of this – the long hours of studying, the clinics, the constant give and take (more take) with the Wife about the kids and schedules - I feel like I’ve failed her. I feel I’ve let her down, not been the man she needed, and she’ll find someone to take my place once she tires of the usual axioms regarding being patient, staying the course, and every dark cloud has a silver lining. Because there’s only so much a person can take before they accept their losses and move on to newer and better things.
It’s been a rough day.
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8 comments:
I hope you will show your wife this post (I don't know, does she read your blog?) because it seems like there are some things the two of you should chat about.
At least you're not going into neurosurg... 150% divorce rate.
Rough days suck. Here's to hoping tomorrow is better for you.
Dear NotAGod,
I put my husband through law school and two bar exams. I loved and supported him. He promised to do likewise so I could fulfill my dream of an advanced degree in English.
I bought us a house with loans from my retirement. I bought him a new computer with my teaching bonus.
He always "had to study" and when he went out with buddies I had no complaint. After all, he needed to blow off steam.
He blew off our marriage.
After getting a job, he put everything into impressing his boss. I understood. For two years. Then he had an illness and was out for 6 weeks. I whiped his butt, drained his fluid bag and unpacked and repacked a surgical incision that had become infected.
Both our mothers died. So did our marriage.
I knew it was over when I asked him to hold me after my Mom died and he grudgingly did it for 30 seconds before going to do some work at the kitchen table.
17 years. Over. I moved out and divorced him. He got laid off.
I hope it was worth it.
You reap what you sow. Don't forget it. We did have problems before law school, I must say. I will posit that if you have a satisfactory marriage now, you may be able to sustain the challenges of your career. It not, you need to work on your marriage. At least we didn't have kids.
Lily
I felt very sad reading this because i know that these challenges await me in the near/distant future. Good luck. My only advice is to talk about things and get the issues out on the table before it's too late. I was once in a relationship/ cohabitation that seemed really great one minute, and the next minute, it felt like i woke up and didn't know my partner anymore. We had issues, we ignored them because we were busy with school, jobs, life etc, and eventually, it was too late to do anything. Too many years of resentment built up, and we were unable/unwilling to work at fixing it. Your wife is probably just as scared as you are, so it would be great if you could share your fears for the future and face them head on--together. :)
There is some good advice here. I agree with everybody who has said to talk about what you are feeling, and just let her know about what you are afraid of.
Sometimes we can be worried about things that don't occur to the other person at all. (Or maybe that is just the woman in the relationship . . . ;) )
I agree with everyone that you and your wife need to discuss this.
But in the mean time, aren't you a 4th year now? Take the woman out for dinner! Go shopping for some new clothes! Have a little fun! You have more time now than you will for a while, so you might as well take advantage of it.
I'm not always a saint to my husband, with the stress and work of med school and all, but he really makes me want to be a better wife to him, so I keep trying.
I second the notion that as an M4 you have the more time now to relax/have fun/etc. etc. than at any point in the next 4 years. so do something with your wife and take care of yourself. you have no one left to impress, your grades from now on shouldn't ever reach the eyes of any residency program-so go for the pass.
med school is difficult, but you need to balance your life. having a good life outside of the hospital makes you a better student. i have found that clinical grades (im an m4 also) are mostly about your attitude, so having a good life outside of medicine helps because you aren't as bitter.
i think it would help to take a step back and look at your attitude, your post about wanting to kill that m2 for not giving you respect was hilarious, i mean come on-do you really take yourself that seriously? if you have that type of superiority complex i'm sure it comes through to your wife, other classmates, and yes future residency programs. take a step back and realize that you are not the most important thing in the world just because you are going to be a doctor. a little bit of humility goes a long way both professionally and in your personal life.
I agree with everyone, MSG...and you just so happened to inspire a post. :) :)
I hope you enjoy it--I was going to write you an email but since I don't know all the details of your situation, I kept things pretty simple on how resident boyfriend and I keep from going nuts. I really hope that things work out for you with your wife.
Maybe the next time your wife is all dressed up like that, send the kids away, sweep her off her feet, and show her how much you love her. :-)
Hi,
I can certainly relate to this feeling. I am not in the medical field, but I thought I would throw in my two cents as the child of two physicians. (Mother is a pediatrician, Father is a radiologist)
One night at dinner, my parents asked us if any one of us wanted to go into medicine. My brother spoke for all three of us saying, "Why would we want to do that? We have seen how you live!" That said, we have all gone into pretty demanding careers. My middle brother, the speaker, is an investment banker and on the road a lot. My oldest brohter is a lawyer and I am working on my masters in education- and would like to work with children who have learning disabilities. The truth is that we all try to do our best at our chosen professions, and that does mean some sacrifice.
Though my parents did have to miss stuff, and there were plenty of interrupted dinners, we also knew that their work was important to them and to others. However, I also know that if one of us is having a problem or if we need my parents, they will be there for us in a second. I am sure this is the case with you as well.
If it your wife or childrn are worried or wondering why you miss some stuff, maybe you could bring them by the office for an hour or so. When Dad was on call on weekends, he would often take one us with him and we would sit with the radiology techs and color or something. It gave us a window into his world and helped us understand what was going on.
I also agree that maybe your wife should read this post as well. It is hard, but I think you are doing your best, which is all that you can do. I hope this helps.
Good luck,
child of dr.
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