10 minutes ago Wife left for a night out with some of her coworkers. They’re going to go to some Country/ Western bar where someone they know is playing in a band. When she left she looked hot – very hot – and it worried me.
This is sort of out of the norm for her to actually go out without me and/ or the kids and it’s made me nervous. Not so much because I think she’s going out with someone right now, or will find some hick to hook up with for a quickie, but rather the fear that residency holds.
Specifically I’m referring to the lost time, the long hours apart, the stress, and disarray that residency will inflict upon our marriage. I married up, and she down. She’s made some comments recently about me not caring about my image, how old my clothes are (some being 10 years old or more), and how I don’t seem to try anymore. Whatever that means. However, all joking aside, it does sound like she’s getting a bit annoyed with me not improving myself.
A thought has crossed my mind a few times that I wouldn’t want my children to pursue medicine because of the lost time involved. The amount of sacrifice and damage that apparently occurs during this process seems, at least at this small point in my life, to not be worth it. I hope that with time my belief will change. I hope that my wife will be with me throughout the training and career.
I guess I’m just sensing the coming storm of change and have trepidations about the unknown. The future is very bright and dark at the same time in my mind and I’m having difficulties keeping out reflections on my life to this point – ah the disappointment I’ve been - and making correlations with my marriage.
I guess what I’m trying to say, after all of this – the long hours of studying, the clinics, the constant give and take (more take) with the Wife about the kids and schedules - I feel like I’ve failed her. I feel I’ve let her down, not been the man she needed, and she’ll find someone to take my place once she tires of the usual axioms regarding being patient, staying the course, and every dark cloud has a silver lining. Because there’s only so much a person can take before they accept their losses and move on to newer and better things.
It’s been a rough day.