I’ve decided to drop my last Anesthesia elective. My reasons are multiple and varied, but mostly hinge on the concept that I honestly think I’m fucking myself here.
I don’t feel I’ve done badly, in fact I feel I've been quite on point, but I honestly don’t have a clue. There’s nothing to compare my performance with other than the various medical students wandering around who, at one time or another, appear vastly superior to me and vice versa.
Some days are great – IV’s are easy, intubations a breeze, and the patient does well while I bond with the resident. Other days I get nothing right, get yanked out of a CRNA’s room to avoid her bitchiness about me "jumping on" her case, and seem to be put in the most absurd rooms where I can do absolutely nothing but sit there and stare at the EKG rhythms while important matters are attended to.
It’s been fun, but I’m scared about doing two electives in programs that I feel I’ll rank high. It’s just not been what I thought it would and it worries me. I have a good application and feel I will get interviews from most of the programs I've applied to regardless of "showing them my stuff". I feel that I could be hurting my chances here if one person thinks I'm not good for the program. It's a huge gamble.
Aside from all of that, I've also been told that most of the people I've worked with don't have anything to do with residency decisions, and even if they did they don't remember med students very well - because there's so many between now and February. So what's the point in making it harder for myself?
So, I now have to rearrange my schedule when I get back in a little over a week to fill in that month. Hopefully that won’t be hard to do.