Wife recently had to get treated for an overwhelming sickness that she couldn’t ignore anymore. Almost 2 months had gone by with her having various URI and a constant shortness of breath or tightness in her chest. These feelings were more marked with cold air, exercise, and exposure to cigarette smoke.
Diagnosis? Asthma with complications related to non-treatment.
Easy enough to see.
But she didn’t believe me, as she’s wont to do, and a few times I got upset and would castigate her for complaining. After all, coughing constantly and complaining about feeling tired/ ill when you could get better from an inhaler just began to wear on me (even more is the idea that she didn’t think I was correct – but that’s a different post).
So the other day, after she developed some night sweats, productive cough, fever, and chills I forced her to go and see a physician. Ironically she couldn’t get in that day and instead went to a retail clinic. I wasn’t with her as I had an obligation to get through in order to graduate (more on that in another post) and only found out about her treatment later.
The NP was very nice, from what Wife says, but it was clear to me that she was a little overwhelmed by Wife’s symptoms. She gave her an antibiotic, an inhaler, and cough suppressants stronger than the OTC variety. I didn’t agree with some of what was done – like giving a very strong antibiotic normally reserved for hospitalized patients or those with community acquired pneumonia, or the suggestion that she go to the ER to “maximize her breathing”, but at least something was accomplished. I was glad to hear that the NP took her time to explain things out to Wife and even told her that she felt she was incredibly sick.
What was funny to me, however, was that Wife was told almost the exact same things that I had for months told her about her asthma. She didn’t want to believe she had it and refused to go to a doctor and “waste her money while they guess”. I find it ironic that a lot of what I try to champion in others and get heated about on this blog has not been instilled into Wife. Somewhere she’s lost her faith in medicine, despite being exposed to it more than ever, and doesn’t trust doctors. Gotta work on that.
Showing posts with label medical school and marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medical school and marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Of Course, Something Else
After all was said and done about knowing what my rank list will be, I was hit with a major obstacle. I showed the presumptive list to Wife, after we had talked about the locations of my top 3-4 programs a week earlier, and she calmly stated that, wait for it…she wouldn’t move to my 3rd choice.
Of course I was rational about the whole event – not. You see, I’ve tried to keep her involved in this decision, let her know where I was thinking about applying, and asked her opinions of the cities and overall locations where we’d potentially be moving. A few cities where I had wanted to apply were lost in this process and I proceeded to interview with the assumption that, despite not wanting to move, she’d be OK with where we ended up.
The other notion that ran through my head was an absolutely selfish one: I’ve sacrificed 7 years for her to be near Stepson, lost a year of undergrad, gained $15,000 in out-of-state debt, and was forced to only interview at 2 medical schools (of which only one actually interviewed and accepted me). I’ve done a lot for her and this was my training: 4 years to become an Anesthesiologist, board certified and all. I felt that, given the fact that I’ve put up with 4 years of bad experiences at my medical school with feelings that I might have been happier at another location, I should be able to rank programs based on where I feel I’d receive the best training.
Selfish.
This argument eventually ended up in discussions by her about going separate ways. Wife feels we’re not on the same path anymore – and all because I got upset about one program. Now, don’t worry too much at this point – she brings this idea up every now and then when we have a heated argument. However, I feel somewhat betrayed at the suggestion that I just went about “interviewing all over without talking to me”.
I felt I had taken a great deal of steps to try and avoid this problem – only to have her start 2nd guessing the whole notion of moving. So now I feel that, unless we end up in the program we both want as our primary choice, she’ll decided that it’s not worth it and stay here.
There is a burden I’ve carried for a while now – the idea that she has sacrificed her aspirations for this process. I also worry about where we’ll end up because Stepson will not be coming with us if we move. I’ve spent more time at home, trying to be helpful in order to assuage these concerns, but I’m getting sick and tired of feeling like I’m the bad guy in this situation. It sucks, yes, but I honestly feel that I attempted to keep her involved throughout.
So I’ll move the program low on the list (despite being an outstanding place) and try to patch things up later today. But you know, residency is not going to be easy – anywhere.
Of course I was rational about the whole event – not. You see, I’ve tried to keep her involved in this decision, let her know where I was thinking about applying, and asked her opinions of the cities and overall locations where we’d potentially be moving. A few cities where I had wanted to apply were lost in this process and I proceeded to interview with the assumption that, despite not wanting to move, she’d be OK with where we ended up.
The other notion that ran through my head was an absolutely selfish one: I’ve sacrificed 7 years for her to be near Stepson, lost a year of undergrad, gained $15,000 in out-of-state debt, and was forced to only interview at 2 medical schools (of which only one actually interviewed and accepted me). I’ve done a lot for her and this was my training: 4 years to become an Anesthesiologist, board certified and all. I felt that, given the fact that I’ve put up with 4 years of bad experiences at my medical school with feelings that I might have been happier at another location, I should be able to rank programs based on where I feel I’d receive the best training.
Selfish.
This argument eventually ended up in discussions by her about going separate ways. Wife feels we’re not on the same path anymore – and all because I got upset about one program. Now, don’t worry too much at this point – she brings this idea up every now and then when we have a heated argument. However, I feel somewhat betrayed at the suggestion that I just went about “interviewing all over without talking to me”.
I felt I had taken a great deal of steps to try and avoid this problem – only to have her start 2nd guessing the whole notion of moving. So now I feel that, unless we end up in the program we both want as our primary choice, she’ll decided that it’s not worth it and stay here.
There is a burden I’ve carried for a while now – the idea that she has sacrificed her aspirations for this process. I also worry about where we’ll end up because Stepson will not be coming with us if we move. I’ve spent more time at home, trying to be helpful in order to assuage these concerns, but I’m getting sick and tired of feeling like I’m the bad guy in this situation. It sucks, yes, but I honestly feel that I attempted to keep her involved throughout.
So I’ll move the program low on the list (despite being an outstanding place) and try to patch things up later today. But you know, residency is not going to be easy – anywhere.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Caring For Loved Ones
One of the more frustrating things that come with a medical education is having people expect you to give advice or fix them right away. I’ve had Wife’s friends and coworkers call me, unexpectedly and unacknowledged, to ask me if their doc was crazy, or if they should be doing this for that, etc. I’ve told all of them a very similar message: I don’t give advice over the phone or in person, I’m a medical student, go see your doctor. I have stated and firmly believe that you shouldn’t give advice to people without being their doctor - regardless of the relationship. It can come back and bite you in the ass.
That being said, it’s harder when it’s your family. Both my kids were sick recently (10 days of hacking cough and 2 days of violent food poisoning) and I’ve been trying to take care of them as best I can. Since they’ve been sick with illnesses that would resolve on their own I’ve really just been dolling out comfort care. But it upsets you, to know that you’re looked at to fix them and that being post haste. Plus, on top of that expectation is the very real notion that you're not believed.
“What good is your medical education if you can’t take care of this?”
"I didn't really believe what you were saying, but I guess you were right."
I’ve heard those statements before and will most likely hear them again. It’s hard to tell your loved one that they just have to “suck it up” and deal with it for a while – there’s nothing that can be done beyond supportive care. Certainly you feel that you want to be proactive and heal your family, but at the same time you must realize that in order to be a good husband and father you have to distance yourself from your medical training – at least to some extent.
I've had conversations with my mom about my dad's cancer, if it's progressed, and similar topics. She recently asked me, while out for an interview, to come with them to a follow up appointment where a new growth was going to be discussed. Because this subject was well beyond my training, I went and asked only a few pertinent questions. My goal was to be a support while trying to not interfere with the relationship developed between my dad and his doctor. Mostly I was there, I think, to make my mom feel better and certainly not second guess the treatment plan. They were glad I accompanied them, but I understood the hazards that were in place at my being present and tried dutifully to avoid traversing them.
There’s a slippery slope that can develop if we get too involved in caring for our family or friends. Regardless of your experience I feel that we can get too emotionally involved and attempt too much without the guidance of other, perhaps more appropriate, physicians and nurses. I’ve had times where I felt guilty for wanting to take Daughter to her pediatrician because I felt there was something that they could do - anything - just make her happy again. I've also had times where I've felt ashamed for presenting with an illness that, in retrospect, was an easy diagnosis that did not require a sick visit.
Between all of these cases she's been OK, but it still bothers me. Stepson's dad has taken him to their doctor after I've told him there's really not much more they can do - too which I've found some degree of anger directed towards him. Regardless of whether or not I was accurate I have since realized that it's not his job to trust me (nor I him) as I'm not their physician. And because of these understandings, based on pride and shame, I realized that I was too involved in the care of a loved one and could have made mistakes shadowed by emotional attachments.
A perk of medical training is being able to take care of people around you, but it is imperative that all physicians realize there's more undertaken while caring for a family member than a regular patient. Important findings could be minimalized by a desire to avoid a tough discussion or diagnosis and bonds that were once strong can be broken forever. I personally have decided to never provide healthcare for my family that would normally be part of their doctor visits.
That being said, it’s harder when it’s your family. Both my kids were sick recently (10 days of hacking cough and 2 days of violent food poisoning) and I’ve been trying to take care of them as best I can. Since they’ve been sick with illnesses that would resolve on their own I’ve really just been dolling out comfort care. But it upsets you, to know that you’re looked at to fix them and that being post haste. Plus, on top of that expectation is the very real notion that you're not believed.
“What good is your medical education if you can’t take care of this?”
"I didn't really believe what you were saying, but I guess you were right."
I’ve heard those statements before and will most likely hear them again. It’s hard to tell your loved one that they just have to “suck it up” and deal with it for a while – there’s nothing that can be done beyond supportive care. Certainly you feel that you want to be proactive and heal your family, but at the same time you must realize that in order to be a good husband and father you have to distance yourself from your medical training – at least to some extent.
I've had conversations with my mom about my dad's cancer, if it's progressed, and similar topics. She recently asked me, while out for an interview, to come with them to a follow up appointment where a new growth was going to be discussed. Because this subject was well beyond my training, I went and asked only a few pertinent questions. My goal was to be a support while trying to not interfere with the relationship developed between my dad and his doctor. Mostly I was there, I think, to make my mom feel better and certainly not second guess the treatment plan. They were glad I accompanied them, but I understood the hazards that were in place at my being present and tried dutifully to avoid traversing them.
There’s a slippery slope that can develop if we get too involved in caring for our family or friends. Regardless of your experience I feel that we can get too emotionally involved and attempt too much without the guidance of other, perhaps more appropriate, physicians and nurses. I’ve had times where I felt guilty for wanting to take Daughter to her pediatrician because I felt there was something that they could do - anything - just make her happy again. I've also had times where I've felt ashamed for presenting with an illness that, in retrospect, was an easy diagnosis that did not require a sick visit.
Between all of these cases she's been OK, but it still bothers me. Stepson's dad has taken him to their doctor after I've told him there's really not much more they can do - too which I've found some degree of anger directed towards him. Regardless of whether or not I was accurate I have since realized that it's not his job to trust me (nor I him) as I'm not their physician. And because of these understandings, based on pride and shame, I realized that I was too involved in the care of a loved one and could have made mistakes shadowed by emotional attachments.
A perk of medical training is being able to take care of people around you, but it is imperative that all physicians realize there's more undertaken while caring for a family member than a regular patient. Important findings could be minimalized by a desire to avoid a tough discussion or diagnosis and bonds that were once strong can be broken forever. I personally have decided to never provide healthcare for my family that would normally be part of their doctor visits.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Selfish and Not
Chart up another tough day. Wife is feeling the pressures of the interview season as yesterday I tried to negotiate the most practical terms for my interviews. A week at one spot for 3 interviews seemed too much, so I plan to cancel one after more offers are laid out. Another week Daughter will fly out with me for 5 days of interviews so Wife won't be completely overwhelmed.
As we have often done recently we talked about the discouraging condition we find ourselves. Unsure of what’s coming, our future, and the potential of any stability that we once knew I find myself wishing it was March 20th already and I had opened my letter just to have this done and over with.
The season of interviewing is at the worst time for us – retail being extra hard on their employees during the 4th quarter (aka The Holidays). Comments of a job “required” and “puts food on the table” were lobbed at me like dangerous hand grenades. One wrong move and it could all be done.
I tried to carefully navigate the mine strewn waters, avoiding my innermost desires to become defiant, upset, and declare my innocence in this plot against her. But I remained still, listening to her frustrations paralleling mine, all the while knowing that we’re both right while both being wrong.
For what it’s worth, 8 years have come and gone with her by my side and only one of us has “grown”. Long ago we agreed that her dreams had to come when and where they could, but that this path, the 12 years of medical training, was first and foremost. This was discussed pointedly before we married, before Daughter was born, and before residency interview season approached.
This still doesn’t assuage my appreciation of her sadness and feelings of imprisonment in her job. Requisite, though it may be, every day slowly kills her. Hopefully as I progress in residency and Daughter enters grade school she can begin to branch out more, find what she wants, and discover her passions. Otherwise what’s the point?
As we have often done recently we talked about the discouraging condition we find ourselves. Unsure of what’s coming, our future, and the potential of any stability that we once knew I find myself wishing it was March 20th already and I had opened my letter just to have this done and over with.
The season of interviewing is at the worst time for us – retail being extra hard on their employees during the 4th quarter (aka The Holidays). Comments of a job “required” and “puts food on the table” were lobbed at me like dangerous hand grenades. One wrong move and it could all be done.
I tried to carefully navigate the mine strewn waters, avoiding my innermost desires to become defiant, upset, and declare my innocence in this plot against her. But I remained still, listening to her frustrations paralleling mine, all the while knowing that we’re both right while both being wrong.
For what it’s worth, 8 years have come and gone with her by my side and only one of us has “grown”. Long ago we agreed that her dreams had to come when and where they could, but that this path, the 12 years of medical training, was first and foremost. This was discussed pointedly before we married, before Daughter was born, and before residency interview season approached.
This still doesn’t assuage my appreciation of her sadness and feelings of imprisonment in her job. Requisite, though it may be, every day slowly kills her. Hopefully as I progress in residency and Daughter enters grade school she can begin to branch out more, find what she wants, and discover her passions. Otherwise what’s the point?
Friday, October 12, 2007
To Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to...well you know.
I’m writing this on 4 beers, so it may be a bit absurd, but what the hell!
I feel sorry for some of my peers who are alone in all of this. I’ve been able to deal with the complexities of medical training with a family who brings me strength and diligence while others have no one (relatively) for whom they’re responsible.
There’s nothing like the knowledge that someone other than yourself counts on your continuous determination, abilities to accept ridiculous situations, and the learned response of holding one’s tongue while being chastised for an unforeseen circumstance to keep you on the path towards the MD. I think without those faces I hope to see at the end of my days I might have said “fuck it” a few times. But then again, perhaps not.
What I’m trying to say, in the same alcohol-fueled way someone who’s had one too many tries to be eloquent while making a point, is that being married during these 4 years has been hard, terrible at times, but overall the most wonderful damn thing I’ve ever done.
If I’m nothing at all, besides a husband and father, then I’ve succeeded in life. I’ve felt for some time now that the greatest failure one can be is to fail as a partner and parent while the greatest accomplishment is to be a wonderful family man. It was for this reason that I left surgery and decided, once and for all, that Anesthesia would be the best fit for me.
Some people think that I’ve given up on a dream, but I think I’ve realized it already and have just made sure to always be there for it.
I feel sorry for some of my peers who are alone in all of this. I’ve been able to deal with the complexities of medical training with a family who brings me strength and diligence while others have no one (relatively) for whom they’re responsible.
There’s nothing like the knowledge that someone other than yourself counts on your continuous determination, abilities to accept ridiculous situations, and the learned response of holding one’s tongue while being chastised for an unforeseen circumstance to keep you on the path towards the MD. I think without those faces I hope to see at the end of my days I might have said “fuck it” a few times. But then again, perhaps not.
What I’m trying to say, in the same alcohol-fueled way someone who’s had one too many tries to be eloquent while making a point, is that being married during these 4 years has been hard, terrible at times, but overall the most wonderful damn thing I’ve ever done.
If I’m nothing at all, besides a husband and father, then I’ve succeeded in life. I’ve felt for some time now that the greatest failure one can be is to fail as a partner and parent while the greatest accomplishment is to be a wonderful family man. It was for this reason that I left surgery and decided, once and for all, that Anesthesia would be the best fit for me.
Some people think that I’ve given up on a dream, but I think I’ve realized it already and have just made sure to always be there for it.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
2 down, 2 to go
It’s been a hard 2 weeks for me. I’m quite lonesome being away from the love of my life and our kids. The thought about doing a year apart, if the situation suggested it, has been removed from my mind forever. There’s not a chance in hell that I’d want to do that first year without Wife’s presence, touch, and emotional support. You just can’t get that from a phone call.
Depsite feeling lonely I’ve done rather well, thus far, at keeping on task. I figured there’d be some times where I’d loose focus, have a hard time studying after a long day, and just want to get the hell outta the OR. Fortunately that’s not been the case, but I have been feeling rather low recently.
Yesterday I saw a movie by myself just to get a sense of normalcy again. Unfortunately Rob Zombie’s "Halloween" remake didn’t really help – quite twisted.
I believe that my appreciation of how much my wife brings to me, outside of the initial physical enjoyment, has grown exponentially. She is an amazing woman who has made me the man I am today. I don't think I truly understood how much she has done for me and how little I can do to repay her. Corny, but true.
I long for that day, 13 days from now, where I’ll be able to hold her, smell her, and reconnect with her emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I just wish it were today.
Depsite feeling lonely I’ve done rather well, thus far, at keeping on task. I figured there’d be some times where I’d loose focus, have a hard time studying after a long day, and just want to get the hell outta the OR. Fortunately that’s not been the case, but I have been feeling rather low recently.
Yesterday I saw a movie by myself just to get a sense of normalcy again. Unfortunately Rob Zombie’s "Halloween" remake didn’t really help – quite twisted.
I believe that my appreciation of how much my wife brings to me, outside of the initial physical enjoyment, has grown exponentially. She is an amazing woman who has made me the man I am today. I don't think I truly understood how much she has done for me and how little I can do to repay her. Corny, but true.
I long for that day, 13 days from now, where I’ll be able to hold her, smell her, and reconnect with her emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I just wish it were today.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Obscured
I feel I need to clarify a few things from my last couple posts. I appreciate everyone’s comments, as always, but I think I should make a few things more transparent than maybe they are:
First, while I understand that it seemed like I was freaking out about Wife going out last week (which I was at the time) my marriage with my wife is solid. We have a good understanding of what’s going on, the stress we each have, how to help each other out, and the commitment we both have for the other and our children; but for whatever reason I had a knee-jerk reaction that truly was not needed. She told me the next morning that “[I] should never send [my] wife out looking like that without smelling of sex.” Alrighty then. No need to worry.
Medical school is hard and the training process is tedious and long - for all involved. Perhaps my feelings of inadequacy came from the fact that Wife is older than I am, has been with me from the infancy of my desire to become a doctor, and will be with me throughout residency – a total of 12+ years. Considering that we’ve had some hard times, live in a relatively poor state (relative to my mind that is), and still have years of further fun ahead of us freaked me out for a while. But it’s over, we’ve talked about those fears, she’s allayed them as only my wife can do, and now we look at the month ahead where I will be out of state for a month, she'll be a single mother, and we hope that we won’t forget each other. For now I come home early, try to not study as much as possible, and tell her daily that I love her.
Secondly, comments regarding the name of this blog and my surname have been something that I’ve dealt with occasionally, but it seems like I need to let you know something about this blog - something that, while I thought was clear, apparently has been obscured by my attitude. A recent comment went something like this:
To this end, no, I do not take myself seriously. Most of what I write is farce, hyperbole, and attempts at poking fun at myself. Did I think myself superior to the underclassman mentioned above? No, of course not. What was the basis of that post was the fact that he assumed superiorit,y because he felt I was a year behind him. It was absurd and that mentality is insulting and abhorrent.
My blog's title, Creating the Godcomplex, is simply a facetious name about the supposed “godcomplex” that occurs within physicians. Since I’m in training to become a doctor, what better name than this? Truly I don’t believe I’m a “God-like medical student” as evidenced by my posts; but since I’m “creating my godcomplex” I felt calling myself Medstudentgod seemed the natural path to take. Yet, people seem to believe I honestly consider myself a god. Untrue, untrue.
What may be coming across, that has caused people to feel I'm serious, is my true nature of being an A type personality who holds an absolute disdain for stupidity and laziness. That is not my godcomplex, but rather my nature of expecting people to behave like professionals when in medical school. When I worked out in the real world I was not an easy going boss to work for. I expected perfection - or as near as possible. That's just how I am...but it's not a Godcomplex.
And now, time for my dean’s meeting (hopefully today).
First, while I understand that it seemed like I was freaking out about Wife going out last week (which I was at the time) my marriage with my wife is solid. We have a good understanding of what’s going on, the stress we each have, how to help each other out, and the commitment we both have for the other and our children; but for whatever reason I had a knee-jerk reaction that truly was not needed. She told me the next morning that “[I] should never send [my] wife out looking like that without smelling of sex.” Alrighty then. No need to worry.
Medical school is hard and the training process is tedious and long - for all involved. Perhaps my feelings of inadequacy came from the fact that Wife is older than I am, has been with me from the infancy of my desire to become a doctor, and will be with me throughout residency – a total of 12+ years. Considering that we’ve had some hard times, live in a relatively poor state (relative to my mind that is), and still have years of further fun ahead of us freaked me out for a while. But it’s over, we’ve talked about those fears, she’s allayed them as only my wife can do, and now we look at the month ahead where I will be out of state for a month, she'll be a single mother, and we hope that we won’t forget each other. For now I come home early, try to not study as much as possible, and tell her daily that I love her.
Secondly, comments regarding the name of this blog and my surname have been something that I’ve dealt with occasionally, but it seems like I need to let you know something about this blog - something that, while I thought was clear, apparently has been obscured by my attitude. A recent comment went something like this:
I think it would help to take a step back and look at your attitude, your post about wanting to kill that m2 for not giving you respect was hilarious, i mean come on-do you really take yourself that seriously? If you have that type of superiority complex I'm sure it comes through to your wife, other classmates, and yes future residency programs. Take a step back and realize that you are not the most important thing in the world just because you are going to be a doctor. A little bit of humility goes a long way both professionally and in your personal life.
To this end, no, I do not take myself seriously. Most of what I write is farce, hyperbole, and attempts at poking fun at myself. Did I think myself superior to the underclassman mentioned above? No, of course not. What was the basis of that post was the fact that he assumed superiorit,y because he felt I was a year behind him. It was absurd and that mentality is insulting and abhorrent.
My blog's title, Creating the Godcomplex, is simply a facetious name about the supposed “godcomplex” that occurs within physicians. Since I’m in training to become a doctor, what better name than this? Truly I don’t believe I’m a “God-like medical student” as evidenced by my posts; but since I’m “creating my godcomplex” I felt calling myself Medstudentgod seemed the natural path to take. Yet, people seem to believe I honestly consider myself a god. Untrue, untrue.
What may be coming across, that has caused people to feel I'm serious, is my true nature of being an A type personality who holds an absolute disdain for stupidity and laziness. That is not my godcomplex, but rather my nature of expecting people to behave like professionals when in medical school. When I worked out in the real world I was not an easy going boss to work for. I expected perfection - or as near as possible. That's just how I am...but it's not a Godcomplex.
And now, time for my dean’s meeting (hopefully today).
Friday, August 17, 2007
Cause You Had a Bad Day
10 minutes ago Wife left for a night out with some of her coworkers. They’re going to go to some Country/ Western bar where someone they know is playing in a band. When she left she looked hot – very hot – and it worried me.
This is sort of out of the norm for her to actually go out without me and/ or the kids and it’s made me nervous. Not so much because I think she’s going out with someone right now, or will find some hick to hook up with for a quickie, but rather the fear that residency holds.
Specifically I’m referring to the lost time, the long hours apart, the stress, and disarray that residency will inflict upon our marriage. I married up, and she down. She’s made some comments recently about me not caring about my image, how old my clothes are (some being 10 years old or more), and how I don’t seem to try anymore. Whatever that means. However, all joking aside, it does sound like she’s getting a bit annoyed with me not improving myself.
A thought has crossed my mind a few times that I wouldn’t want my children to pursue medicine because of the lost time involved. The amount of sacrifice and damage that apparently occurs during this process seems, at least at this small point in my life, to not be worth it. I hope that with time my belief will change. I hope that my wife will be with me throughout the training and career.
I guess I’m just sensing the coming storm of change and have trepidations about the unknown. The future is very bright and dark at the same time in my mind and I’m having difficulties keeping out reflections on my life to this point – ah the disappointment I’ve been - and making correlations with my marriage.
I guess what I’m trying to say, after all of this – the long hours of studying, the clinics, the constant give and take (more take) with the Wife about the kids and schedules - I feel like I’ve failed her. I feel I’ve let her down, not been the man she needed, and she’ll find someone to take my place once she tires of the usual axioms regarding being patient, staying the course, and every dark cloud has a silver lining. Because there’s only so much a person can take before they accept their losses and move on to newer and better things.
It’s been a rough day.
This is sort of out of the norm for her to actually go out without me and/ or the kids and it’s made me nervous. Not so much because I think she’s going out with someone right now, or will find some hick to hook up with for a quickie, but rather the fear that residency holds.
Specifically I’m referring to the lost time, the long hours apart, the stress, and disarray that residency will inflict upon our marriage. I married up, and she down. She’s made some comments recently about me not caring about my image, how old my clothes are (some being 10 years old or more), and how I don’t seem to try anymore. Whatever that means. However, all joking aside, it does sound like she’s getting a bit annoyed with me not improving myself.
A thought has crossed my mind a few times that I wouldn’t want my children to pursue medicine because of the lost time involved. The amount of sacrifice and damage that apparently occurs during this process seems, at least at this small point in my life, to not be worth it. I hope that with time my belief will change. I hope that my wife will be with me throughout the training and career.
I guess I’m just sensing the coming storm of change and have trepidations about the unknown. The future is very bright and dark at the same time in my mind and I’m having difficulties keeping out reflections on my life to this point – ah the disappointment I’ve been - and making correlations with my marriage.
I guess what I’m trying to say, after all of this – the long hours of studying, the clinics, the constant give and take (more take) with the Wife about the kids and schedules - I feel like I’ve failed her. I feel I’ve let her down, not been the man she needed, and she’ll find someone to take my place once she tires of the usual axioms regarding being patient, staying the course, and every dark cloud has a silver lining. Because there’s only so much a person can take before they accept their losses and move on to newer and better things.
It’s been a rough day.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Ready or Not
During my breaks from taking exams and reading I’ve been trying to get my profile and information onto ERAS (electronic residency application service). A sense of fear and excitement has developed within me as I realize that I’ve graduated from simply listening to others talk about what to do, to actually trying to remember what’s been advocated and doing it in order to match where I want.
A year from now I’m going to be a doctor, with a real job, taking care of real patients (seriously?) in some area of the US. That’s fucking terrifying. I have no idea where that will be, what the circumstances will entail, if our family will be together (Stepson will not be coming if we move), or whether anything that I know now will be the same. It’s frightening to consider the complete turn-around our lives might take in a just a few months and a conversation with Wife confirmed this.
She called me this week to ask whether she should buy shorts and tee-shirts for Daughter for next summer. The convo went something like this:
MSG: “Why not?”
Wife: “Because summer in [colder climate states] is not what it is here. 70 degrees is not shorts-wearing weather.”
MSG: “Oh…(puzzling look on face)…I hadn’t thought about that. Damn.”
Wife: “So? Should I get them or not. What do you think?”
MSG: “Get them. I honestly don’t think we’ll be moving out there anyways – it’s kinda a long shot and I most likely won’t rank them more than 3rd...I think. Yeah...get them.”
Wife: “Ok, love you, bye.”
The fact that we have to discuss whether we can even buy clothing for next summer is ridiculous, but necessary. We’ve looked at housing, schools, jobs, etc. in these areas while trying to determine where the best fit lies. Our lives revolve around my training and results of a computer-based lottery system - absolutely fantastic and sickening at the same time.
I'm ready for the change, but the complete lack of stability kills me. After all, we've lived here for almost 8 years and have some support systems developed despite the lack of family. The thought of moving to a place where we don't know anyone again and have no support system - lord.
A year from now I’m going to be a doctor, with a real job, taking care of real patients (seriously?) in some area of the US. That’s fucking terrifying. I have no idea where that will be, what the circumstances will entail, if our family will be together (Stepson will not be coming if we move), or whether anything that I know now will be the same. It’s frightening to consider the complete turn-around our lives might take in a just a few months and a conversation with Wife confirmed this.
She called me this week to ask whether she should buy shorts and tee-shirts for Daughter for next summer. The convo went something like this:
MSG: “Why not?”
Wife: “Because summer in [colder climate states] is not what it is here. 70 degrees is not shorts-wearing weather.”
MSG: “Oh…(puzzling look on face)…I hadn’t thought about that. Damn.”
Wife: “So? Should I get them or not. What do you think?”
MSG: “Get them. I honestly don’t think we’ll be moving out there anyways – it’s kinda a long shot and I most likely won’t rank them more than 3rd...I think. Yeah...get them.”
Wife: “Ok, love you, bye.”
The fact that we have to discuss whether we can even buy clothing for next summer is ridiculous, but necessary. We’ve looked at housing, schools, jobs, etc. in these areas while trying to determine where the best fit lies. Our lives revolve around my training and results of a computer-based lottery system - absolutely fantastic and sickening at the same time.
I'm ready for the change, but the complete lack of stability kills me. After all, we've lived here for almost 8 years and have some support systems developed despite the lack of family. The thought of moving to a place where we don't know anyone again and have no support system - lord.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Paranoid
After receiving a few comments regarding my last Wife Speak post I grew rather paranoid. What if Wife does read this (unlikely, but still)? What if she were to find out about this blog and read it? It just made me nervous especially with some of the comments being left, so I decided that I would delete the last post entirely. It was kinda mean anyway which was not something I was meaning to convey. We're just having a rough patch again and that came out harsher than I'd intended. If I decide to continue the Wife Speak it will be funny sayings that demean me and not a means to get something off my chest.
****
Weekday Update (cheesy I know): My Kaplan questions have improved fairly well and I'm feeling a lot better about my test date. I might move it a week up just to avoid losing some brain power while on my first week of Anesthesiology rotation (hurrah!), but like you care. I added the Step 2 CK update on the side of this blog in case you wonder how it's going. I've stopped contemplating suicide at this point which is a fairly good thing.
On another, completely off-topic topic, first year medical students stink. Sorry, but they do. They're not even in full-blown anatomy mode yet and already they have procured the stink of cadavers. Nasty little freshies. I wonder if there's ever been studies conducted on the decline in personal relationships during the first semester of medical school. Apart from the long hours and adjustment disorders that develop I imagine the ever present smell in a loved one's hair/ clothing/ skin would put a halt on any budding relationship. Thankfully I was married so I didn't experience too much of that.
I think Sparky, my kid's fish, is going to die today. He's not looking too good right now. We received him as a gift from Wife's supervisor after we tended her Betta for a week and a half. Sparky is a red Betta we've had for a couple weeks and he's been doing rather well up till yesterday. I changed his water last night, but he was acting funky. He wouldn't eat and this morning had the distinct look of a fish about to end this world. He swims down to the bottom of the bowl like he's lost or will just hover on the side without moving. Sometimes he atually starts to turn sideways, like he's going belly-up.
Daughter told me that he was "stuck". I think he's dying. I hope not, but he's not eaten at all since yesterday morning and is just acting funky. I may need to buy a replacement quickly.
****
Weekday Update (cheesy I know): My Kaplan questions have improved fairly well and I'm feeling a lot better about my test date. I might move it a week up just to avoid losing some brain power while on my first week of Anesthesiology rotation (hurrah!), but like you care. I added the Step 2 CK update on the side of this blog in case you wonder how it's going. I've stopped contemplating suicide at this point which is a fairly good thing.
On another, completely off-topic topic, first year medical students stink. Sorry, but they do. They're not even in full-blown anatomy mode yet and already they have procured the stink of cadavers. Nasty little freshies. I wonder if there's ever been studies conducted on the decline in personal relationships during the first semester of medical school. Apart from the long hours and adjustment disorders that develop I imagine the ever present smell in a loved one's hair/ clothing/ skin would put a halt on any budding relationship. Thankfully I was married so I didn't experience too much of that.
I think Sparky, my kid's fish, is going to die today. He's not looking too good right now. We received him as a gift from Wife's supervisor after we tended her Betta for a week and a half. Sparky is a red Betta we've had for a couple weeks and he's been doing rather well up till yesterday. I changed his water last night, but he was acting funky. He wouldn't eat and this morning had the distinct look of a fish about to end this world. He swims down to the bottom of the bowl like he's lost or will just hover on the side without moving. Sometimes he atually starts to turn sideways, like he's going belly-up.
Daughter told me that he was "stuck". I think he's dying. I hope not, but he's not eaten at all since yesterday morning and is just acting funky. I may need to buy a replacement quickly.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Wife Sayings I
I think I'm going to write down some of the little sayings that Wife hits me with every now and then - mostly when I'm studying a lot or away from the house more than usual. So, here's the first installment:
Late last night I headed down to the apartment work-out room to get in some much needed exercise (I’d missed 3 days in a row after being so good for 3 months and felt terrible about it). Upon entering the building I was instantly floored with very hot, humid, and foul smelling air. The air conditioner was apparently not working and the bathrooms (most likely the mens - why can't guys flush a damn urinal?) emanated the lovely sickly-sweet smell of hot urine. Lovely.
However, this did not deter me. I was driven to get in at least 45 minutes and proceeded to do so and more. I almost quit when, drenched with sweat from head to toe, the water cooler was out of cups and the drinking fountain’s cooling mechanism was apparently also on the fritz, giving me hot nasty water for a refreshing drink. But I persisted.
Afterwards I told Wife about the experience and how miserable I was since I’m more prone to sweating here in the damn South. Her reply?
Snarkly: “Well, no one forced you to stay there!”
Tough love.
Late last night I headed down to the apartment work-out room to get in some much needed exercise (I’d missed 3 days in a row after being so good for 3 months and felt terrible about it). Upon entering the building I was instantly floored with very hot, humid, and foul smelling air. The air conditioner was apparently not working and the bathrooms (most likely the mens - why can't guys flush a damn urinal?) emanated the lovely sickly-sweet smell of hot urine. Lovely.
However, this did not deter me. I was driven to get in at least 45 minutes and proceeded to do so and more. I almost quit when, drenched with sweat from head to toe, the water cooler was out of cups and the drinking fountain’s cooling mechanism was apparently also on the fritz, giving me hot nasty water for a refreshing drink. But I persisted.
Afterwards I told Wife about the experience and how miserable I was since I’m more prone to sweating here in the damn South. Her reply?
Snarkly: “Well, no one forced you to stay there!”
Tough love.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Parenting 101
Being a single parent is hard. I can’t even imagine how some people put up with the crap that they have to in order to get anything done when I sure as hell can't handle my kids without some support. Being home with Stepson and Daughter for most of the day yesterday just about killed me. By the end I was moody, quick to anger, and had just “had it” more times than I could count. I finally took them to the pool for the 2nd time that day just to get some peace. I can sit and watch as they play, Daughter swims with her arm floaties, and they leave me in relative peace.
Now, by themselves these two are fine and I’m quite happy to with them for most of the day, but as soon as they get together it’s WWIII. They pick on each other, yell, cry, fight, argue, and flat out annoy the shit out of me. Basically they’re being brother and sister.
Dammit.
I see other people with 3 or more kids - single moms/ dads with multiple children - and have to wonder how in hell they don’t end up driving their cars into utility poles while the demons fight in the backseat over some piece of paper or similiarly trivial object.
By the time Wife came home from work yesterday I was mad, at the kids as well as at her - simply for working extra hours to earn some additional income. Mad at her for the same thing I do when I’m on hard rotations with the exception being that when I stay late I'm not making any extra money. Talk about being a hypocrite.
Now, by themselves these two are fine and I’m quite happy to with them for most of the day, but as soon as they get together it’s WWIII. They pick on each other, yell, cry, fight, argue, and flat out annoy the shit out of me. Basically they’re being brother and sister.
Dammit.
I see other people with 3 or more kids - single moms/ dads with multiple children - and have to wonder how in hell they don’t end up driving their cars into utility poles while the demons fight in the backseat over some piece of paper or similiarly trivial object.
By the time Wife came home from work yesterday I was mad, at the kids as well as at her - simply for working extra hours to earn some additional income. Mad at her for the same thing I do when I’m on hard rotations with the exception being that when I stay late I'm not making any extra money. Talk about being a hypocrite.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Sex in Medical School
WAIT! Before you go running to Blogger to flag this blog as inappropriate let me state a couple things here: I will not be discussing my sex life or anyone else's encounters in the hospital here. Rather I want to discuss the decline in sexual desire and relationships during medical training.
What's that? Doctors and medical students aren't hot and bothered stud and studettes who are humping each other and patients at a rabbit-like pace? Well, no. I’ve heard several times recently and within the last year or so how people have no energy. They have nothing left once they are released from duties and subsequently go home only to fall flat on their faces with exhaustion. Daily routines are disturbed, bills left unpaid, family and friends become strangers while the student or resident recuperates. Couple that with a relationship of any level in which physical intimacy is expected and you can see where hard times can result.
Case in point involves a resident who took it upon herself to discuss married life and residency training with me (I guess as a teaching tool since I’m married and all). She stated that there had been plenty of times where her husband and she fought over a multitude of items including their bawdy behaviors (or lack thereof). All of these were related to her extreme level of fatigue. She was in her 3rd year and had been dealing with this her entire residency and she worried about the impact it was having on their marriage. She had 2 more years to go and her husband had mentioned divorce more frequently as he became more and more frustrated with the life. I’ve heard this same sentiment echoed by numerous residents (both male and female) in various forms.
Medical students as well talk about their normally “impervious” libidos being sapped whilst on arduous rotations – i.e. Surgery, Internal Med, and OB/GYN. Many students who had what they thought were strong relationships found their partner lost because of their sudden asexual behavior. Coming home or waiting patiently for weeks or months (depending) for someone to have the desire to attempt sexual intercourse is enough to bring any relationship aground.
Call it ridiculous, call it chauvinistic, call it shallow, call it implausible, but sex is a real problem for residents and students. We’re a population of young, vibrant, energetic, and intelligent individuals who should be at their sexual prime. However, the rigors of training cause many to become devoid of any such ability. It’s just too much effort when all you want is to rest. Think about that the next time you discuss improving your sexual function or desire with your doctor. Just like sleep, good eating habits, and reducing stress levels, we're as or more guilty when it comes to these unhealthy behaviors.
Case in point involves a resident who took it upon herself to discuss married life and residency training with me (I guess as a teaching tool since I’m married and all). She stated that there had been plenty of times where her husband and she fought over a multitude of items including their bawdy behaviors (or lack thereof). All of these were related to her extreme level of fatigue. She was in her 3rd year and had been dealing with this her entire residency and she worried about the impact it was having on their marriage. She had 2 more years to go and her husband had mentioned divorce more frequently as he became more and more frustrated with the life. I’ve heard this same sentiment echoed by numerous residents (both male and female) in various forms.
Medical students as well talk about their normally “impervious” libidos being sapped whilst on arduous rotations – i.e. Surgery, Internal Med, and OB/GYN. Many students who had what they thought were strong relationships found their partner lost because of their sudden asexual behavior. Coming home or waiting patiently for weeks or months (depending) for someone to have the desire to attempt sexual intercourse is enough to bring any relationship aground.
Call it ridiculous, call it chauvinistic, call it shallow, call it implausible, but sex is a real problem for residents and students. We’re a population of young, vibrant, energetic, and intelligent individuals who should be at their sexual prime. However, the rigors of training cause many to become devoid of any such ability. It’s just too much effort when all you want is to rest. Think about that the next time you discuss improving your sexual function or desire with your doctor. Just like sleep, good eating habits, and reducing stress levels, we're as or more guilty when it comes to these unhealthy behaviors.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Selfish Love
Scutmonkey has a great post about the trials of being medical student. I’ve only recently uncovered his blog and believe it to be a great asset and hope that he finds the readership he deserves. His post got me thinking about something I’ve discussed in the past, but are now lost to that damn delete error a while back.
Training to be a physician has got to be one of the most exciting, excruciating, and mind-numbing processes out there. In order to succeed through this mess known as medical school one must be inordinately self absorbed. It takes a true narcissist to look at the time commitment, mountains of books and information requisite, the destruction of personal enjoyments, and the numerous physicians who warn against applying to medical school and still believe they’ll get through it smelling like roses. Frequently a feeling of "being the best student in the school" pervades the egos of students.
Often there is someone with you as you traverse this system, either from pre-med school or they arrive sometime during. If they are not embroiled in this system they are too often lost to it. Casualties of the war between professors, peers, administration, nurses, attendings, and oneself.
Marriages seem to be the harder battle to lose, but all too often a once happy union is dissolved as one of the partners navigates the storm-tossed waters of medical training. Infidelity often is a reason, but far more common is the complete loss of self. The fact that the partner has changed and is no longer recognizable to someone who once loved them unconditionally.
Personally I think there should be adjustments to wedding vows once someone enters medical school: Till death or medical training do us part.
The demands of the profession allow for nothing short of a life of solitude. Expectations of superiors are of the self-less, ubiquitous, omniscient resident and/ or student. A life outside the hospital is for the weak. Your own loved ones are secondary to the “call of medicine” and therefore are not your primary concern. I have actually heard an attending say that family comes second to patient care.
To increase the discord between partners is the fact that many people will never understand the process, failures, victories, and absolutely demanding nature of medical training. It is an enigma to many: how can you be tired after sitting on your butt for 9 hours when I worked hard all day long?
Anytime there is a partnership where one person takes on a task that becomes incredibly demanding of their time you can expect failure. It’s natural to want to be appreciated, loved, touched, and have feelings reciprocated. It’s also natural to feel wrath and disgust towards anyone who, once so willing, no longer exchanges emotional currency.
Training to be a physician has got to be one of the most exciting, excruciating, and mind-numbing processes out there. In order to succeed through this mess known as medical school one must be inordinately self absorbed. It takes a true narcissist to look at the time commitment, mountains of books and information requisite, the destruction of personal enjoyments, and the numerous physicians who warn against applying to medical school and still believe they’ll get through it smelling like roses. Frequently a feeling of "being the best student in the school" pervades the egos of students.
Often there is someone with you as you traverse this system, either from pre-med school or they arrive sometime during. If they are not embroiled in this system they are too often lost to it. Casualties of the war between professors, peers, administration, nurses, attendings, and oneself.
Marriages seem to be the harder battle to lose, but all too often a once happy union is dissolved as one of the partners navigates the storm-tossed waters of medical training. Infidelity often is a reason, but far more common is the complete loss of self. The fact that the partner has changed and is no longer recognizable to someone who once loved them unconditionally.
Personally I think there should be adjustments to wedding vows once someone enters medical school: Till death or medical training do us part.
The demands of the profession allow for nothing short of a life of solitude. Expectations of superiors are of the self-less, ubiquitous, omniscient resident and/ or student. A life outside the hospital is for the weak. Your own loved ones are secondary to the “call of medicine” and therefore are not your primary concern. I have actually heard an attending say that family comes second to patient care.
To increase the discord between partners is the fact that many people will never understand the process, failures, victories, and absolutely demanding nature of medical training. It is an enigma to many: how can you be tired after sitting on your butt for 9 hours when I worked hard all day long?
Anytime there is a partnership where one person takes on a task that becomes incredibly demanding of their time you can expect failure. It’s natural to want to be appreciated, loved, touched, and have feelings reciprocated. It’s also natural to feel wrath and disgust towards anyone who, once so willing, no longer exchanges emotional currency.
Friday, May 25, 2007
BMI Discussion and AWOL
OK. In response to the comments about the last post related to the “patient” I must admit something: that was me. Way to go Liz...you nailed it.
That’s right. I had you guessing about what kind of shape I’m in, what I might look like, and what you, my avid and voracious readers, thought MSG's fitness level is based on numbers because I'm an incredibly vain person. Happy?
The result? Well, basically most of you had me fairly well described: slightly overweight with a muscular build, often mistaken for weighing far less than I actually do (usually 40 pounds or so). I do not, regrettably, have legs of steel or “guns of nazarone”. Yet. So thanks for playing.
I was thinking about using this as a BMI discussion since I honestly feel I'm not "close to being obese" as the BMI suggests, but I think I’ll hold off on it. Afterall, most of us understand that this particular tool is useful but is clearly subject to interpretation.
******
Yesterday Stepson had his elementary school graduation. I was given a reprieve for the morning, but was supposed to return to the Army base afterwards. Instead I just didn’t go. I was essentially AWOL.
What's interesting to me is the fact that I’ve never done this before – completely forgoing my responsibilities because I despise a rotation. But here it is…I missed a day for no real reason. I just didn’t want to drive that far to deal with that crap.
Do I feel guilty? In some ways, yes, I do feel guilty. But in an abundance of others I feel completely OK. I had a great day with my family and enjoyed a picnic with his classmates. I spent some quality time celebrating Stepson's accomplishments and this movement into a new phase of his life. Hell, in one year we might be moving several thousand miles from him and his asshole dad, so taking time to enjoy these moments is even more important.
The only issue is whether I'll receive a reprimand on Tuesday for not returning. Either way - whatever. I really don't care anymore. I've got a couple more weeks and then 3rd year's over.
That’s right. I had you guessing about what kind of shape I’m in, what I might look like, and what you, my avid and voracious readers, thought MSG's fitness level is based on numbers because I'm an incredibly vain person. Happy?
The result? Well, basically most of you had me fairly well described: slightly overweight with a muscular build, often mistaken for weighing far less than I actually do (usually 40 pounds or so). I do not, regrettably, have legs of steel or “guns of nazarone”. Yet. So thanks for playing.
I was thinking about using this as a BMI discussion since I honestly feel I'm not "close to being obese" as the BMI suggests, but I think I’ll hold off on it. Afterall, most of us understand that this particular tool is useful but is clearly subject to interpretation.
******
Yesterday Stepson had his elementary school graduation. I was given a reprieve for the morning, but was supposed to return to the Army base afterwards. Instead I just didn’t go. I was essentially AWOL.
What's interesting to me is the fact that I’ve never done this before – completely forgoing my responsibilities because I despise a rotation. But here it is…I missed a day for no real reason. I just didn’t want to drive that far to deal with that crap.
Do I feel guilty? In some ways, yes, I do feel guilty. But in an abundance of others I feel completely OK. I had a great day with my family and enjoyed a picnic with his classmates. I spent some quality time celebrating Stepson's accomplishments and this movement into a new phase of his life. Hell, in one year we might be moving several thousand miles from him and his asshole dad, so taking time to enjoy these moments is even more important.
The only issue is whether I'll receive a reprimand on Tuesday for not returning. Either way - whatever. I really don't care anymore. I've got a couple more weeks and then 3rd year's over.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Grin and Bear It
OB/GYN. Week 2. Kill me now.
Terrible is a brief enough adjective to describe my experience in OB thus far. I am on an elective week block right now where we tour various fields of the profession. However, since the instruction and directions are patchy at best my colleague and I have no idea what we’re expected to do. To add to this confusion the residents and attendings don’t know either. To further add to this farce is the fact that this is the end of the year. This is not a new bolt thrown in to jam up the works. So why doesn’t anyone know what the fuck to do with us? Yesterday, before rounding with the Gyn/Onc team we were suddenly asked to get a patient presentation ready in 15 minutes. Not fun and pretty much worthless.
My schedule, despite not being part of the labor and delivery team, requires me to arrive at the hospital by 5:30am every morning (except weekends – the one blessed thing about this hell) to round on completely non-English speaking patients. Thankfully I know enough Spanish to get a quick SOAP note and avoid continuously asking the only medical student who speaks fluent Spanish how I would ask: “Do you have blood in you vagina?”
After morning rounds have completed my day varies. I have no idea what to expect nor can I schedule anything around my day. It’s chaos. Absolute chaos. Then, once everything is finalized with whatever I’m imprisoned with that specific day (ironically one day a week we do go the prison) I have to re-round on patients in the afternoon and get all their discharge paperwork ready for the morning (if they need it).
Gyn surgeries are interesting, but when I’m trying to help close I don’t enjoy being told that everything I learned on surgery was wrong. Yesterday I told the resident he was upsetting me after his constant castigations caused me to lose the needle in subcutaneous fat. He proceeded to tell me that grabbing the needle with pickups is incorrect and he was teaching me the correct way. Fine. Your way caused me to lose the damn needle, but whatever. Just get me the fuck outta here.
14-hour days are the norm. Depsite this norm I often find myself standing around with nothing to do yet mandated to remain. Something will come up if we wait long enough.
My wife hates me right now. She’s a single mother again trying to get both kids ready, get them to school, and get to work before 6:15 am every morning. She then has to pick them up, get them fed, bathed, homework done, and in to bed all by herself. I rarely get home before 8pm. I come home stressed and all hell breaks loose because I'm not "helping out". I hate this rotation and the worst is still to come. This is the “easy” portion.
Terrible is a brief enough adjective to describe my experience in OB thus far. I am on an elective week block right now where we tour various fields of the profession. However, since the instruction and directions are patchy at best my colleague and I have no idea what we’re expected to do. To add to this confusion the residents and attendings don’t know either. To further add to this farce is the fact that this is the end of the year. This is not a new bolt thrown in to jam up the works. So why doesn’t anyone know what the fuck to do with us? Yesterday, before rounding with the Gyn/Onc team we were suddenly asked to get a patient presentation ready in 15 minutes. Not fun and pretty much worthless.
My schedule, despite not being part of the labor and delivery team, requires me to arrive at the hospital by 5:30am every morning (except weekends – the one blessed thing about this hell) to round on completely non-English speaking patients. Thankfully I know enough Spanish to get a quick SOAP note and avoid continuously asking the only medical student who speaks fluent Spanish how I would ask: “Do you have blood in you vagina?”
After morning rounds have completed my day varies. I have no idea what to expect nor can I schedule anything around my day. It’s chaos. Absolute chaos. Then, once everything is finalized with whatever I’m imprisoned with that specific day (ironically one day a week we do go the prison) I have to re-round on patients in the afternoon and get all their discharge paperwork ready for the morning (if they need it).
Gyn surgeries are interesting, but when I’m trying to help close I don’t enjoy being told that everything I learned on surgery was wrong. Yesterday I told the resident he was upsetting me after his constant castigations caused me to lose the needle in subcutaneous fat. He proceeded to tell me that grabbing the needle with pickups is incorrect and he was teaching me the correct way. Fine. Your way caused me to lose the damn needle, but whatever. Just get me the fuck outta here.
14-hour days are the norm. Depsite this norm I often find myself standing around with nothing to do yet mandated to remain. Something will come up if we wait long enough.
My wife hates me right now. She’s a single mother again trying to get both kids ready, get them to school, and get to work before 6:15 am every morning. She then has to pick them up, get them fed, bathed, homework done, and in to bed all by herself. I rarely get home before 8pm. I come home stressed and all hell breaks loose because I'm not "helping out". I hate this rotation and the worst is still to come. This is the “easy” portion.
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