Ready or Not

During my breaks from taking exams and reading I’ve been trying to get my profile and information onto ERAS (electronic residency application service). A sense of fear and excitement has developed within me as I realize that I’ve graduated from simply listening to others talk about what to do, to actually trying to remember what’s been advocated and doing it in order to match where I want.

A year from now I’m going to be a doctor, with a real job, taking care of real patients (seriously?) in some area of the US. That’s fucking terrifying. I have no idea where that will be, what the circumstances will entail, if our family will be together (Stepson will not be coming if we move), or whether anything that I know now will be the same. It’s frightening to consider the complete turn-around our lives might take in a just a few months and a conversation with Wife confirmed this.

She called me this week to ask whether she should buy shorts and tee-shirts for Daughter for next summer. The convo went something like this:

MSG: “Why not?”

Wife: “Because summer in [colder climate states] is not what it is here. 70 degrees is not shorts-wearing weather.”

MSG: “Oh…(puzzling look on face)…I hadn’t thought about that. Damn.”

Wife: “So? Should I get them or not. What do you think?”

MSG: “Get them. I honestly don’t think we’ll be moving out there anyways – it’s kinda a long shot and I most likely won’t rank them more than 3rd...I think. Yeah...get them.”

Wife: “Ok, love you, bye.”

The fact that we have to discuss whether we can even buy clothing for next summer is ridiculous, but necessary. We’ve looked at housing, schools, jobs, etc. in these areas while trying to determine where the best fit lies. Our lives revolve around my training and results of a computer-based lottery system - absolutely fantastic and sickening at the same time.

I'm ready for the change, but the complete lack of stability kills me. After all, we've lived here for almost 8 years and have some support systems developed despite the lack of family. The thought of moving to a place where we don't know anyone again and have no support system - lord.