Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Selfish and Not

Chart up another tough day. Wife is feeling the pressures of the interview season as yesterday I tried to negotiate the most practical terms for my interviews. A week at one spot for 3 interviews seemed too much, so I plan to cancel one after more offers are laid out. Another week Daughter will fly out with me for 5 days of interviews so Wife won't be completely overwhelmed.

As we have often done recently we talked about the discouraging condition we find ourselves. Unsure of what’s coming, our future, and the potential of any stability that we once knew I find myself wishing it was March 20th already and I had opened my letter just to have this done and over with.

The season of interviewing is at the worst time for us – retail being extra hard on their employees during the 4th quarter (aka The Holidays). Comments of a job “required” and “puts food on the table” were lobbed at me like dangerous hand grenades. One wrong move and it could all be done.

I tried to carefully navigate the mine strewn waters, avoiding my innermost desires to become defiant, upset, and declare my innocence in this plot against her. But I remained still, listening to her frustrations paralleling mine, all the while knowing that we’re both right while both being wrong.

For what it’s worth, 8 years have come and gone with her by my side and only one of us has “grown”. Long ago we agreed that her dreams had to come when and where they could, but that this path, the 12 years of medical training, was first and foremost. This was discussed pointedly before we married, before Daughter was born, and before residency interview season approached.

This still doesn’t assuage my appreciation of her sadness and feelings of imprisonment in her job. Requisite, though it may be, every day slowly kills her. Hopefully as I progress in residency and Daughter enters grade school she can begin to branch out more, find what she wants, and discover her passions. Otherwise what’s the point?

5 comments:

Liana said...

I have no words of advice here, just a hug and that old standby "this too will pass". I hope that doesn't come across as patronizing or minimizing (I'm on psych right now, so I've become hypersensitive about what I say and how it could be interpreted).

Old MD Girl said...

Just remember it sucks to be in a career that you hate and have sympathy. Even if she "agreed" to this 8 years ago, things change, and often are not what we hoped they would be. If she has time (yeah right) she should try to think about what she *wants* to do. After all, with a big important anesthesiologist husband, she'll be able to do pretty much what she wants 10 years from now.

Old MD Girl said...

Oh, and I wanted to say that I'm horrified at your rating of 3.5/5 stars for Unforgiven. That movie was AWESOME. Not an Eastwood fan?

Lizzie said...

A hint from another woman ... sometimes we just want to vent and know that we have been heard. Even when we already know that nothing can be done right now. This too shall pass.

MedStudentGod (MSG) said...

OMDG,

I just didn't like it as much as I thought I would. Perhaps another viewing would increase the rating, but I was left wondering why it won so many awards.