Selfish and Not

Chart up another tough day. Wife is feeling the pressures of the interview season as yesterday I tried to negotiate the most practical terms for my interviews. A week at one spot for 3 interviews seemed too much, so I plan to cancel one after more offers are laid out. Another week Daughter will fly out with me for 5 days of interviews so Wife won't be completely overwhelmed.

As we have often done recently we talked about the discouraging condition we find ourselves. Unsure of what’s coming, our future, and the potential of any stability that we once knew I find myself wishing it was March 20th already and I had opened my letter just to have this done and over with.

The season of interviewing is at the worst time for us – retail being extra hard on their employees during the 4th quarter (aka The Holidays). Comments of a job “required” and “puts food on the table” were lobbed at me like dangerous hand grenades. One wrong move and it could all be done.

I tried to carefully navigate the mine strewn waters, avoiding my innermost desires to become defiant, upset, and declare my innocence in this plot against her. But I remained still, listening to her frustrations paralleling mine, all the while knowing that we’re both right while both being wrong.

For what it’s worth, 8 years have come and gone with her by my side and only one of us has “grown”. Long ago we agreed that her dreams had to come when and where they could, but that this path, the 12 years of medical training, was first and foremost. This was discussed pointedly before we married, before Daughter was born, and before residency interview season approached.

This still doesn’t assuage my appreciation of her sadness and feelings of imprisonment in her job. Requisite, though it may be, every day slowly kills her. Hopefully as I progress in residency and Daughter enters grade school she can begin to branch out more, find what she wants, and discover her passions. Otherwise what’s the point?