Confessions

I read a post where an ER physician “confessed” their likes and dislikes. It received a great deal of feedback, both pro and con, and was a rather powerful post generator amongst several bloggers. Having some time to think while I attend mandatory “Doctoring” lectures left me with a desire to “confess” as well. So, here goes – hopefully it won’t be as negatively viewed by the powers that be…

1) I’m scared. Scared to death to start intern year. I’ve been losing sleep over this, staying up late trying to read on treatments, planning on making flashcards on drug dosages and when to use them, etc. I’ve gone through a few of my reference books trying to find the “golden book” that will house everything I need – and make me a doctor. But I know that one doesn’t exist and it all comes from experience and repetition. But it still doesn’t deter my mind from freaking out about not being able to handle the first day…or week.

2) I’m impressed with how I’ve grown over the last 4 years. I’ve seen slides, talks, and discussions related to certain aspects of medicine that, when I began, were completely foreign and mind blowing that I now understand a great deal. A slide of a surgery was once viewed with complete unfamiliarity that I can now view systematically and understand what’s going on – at least a little. It makes me feel pretty good.

3) I feel a constant guilt about taking my family through medical school. Wife and I fight about things that, normally, wouldn’t cause a great deal of trouble. I get mad quickly about any inference that she’s been betrayed or dragged along in this maddening process – and I lash out. Tax season lends itself to this more often than not – as I want to use the refunds towards future expenses or emergencies, while Wife has ideas of her own. It is, after all, her money. She worked for it, not me, and therefore should be able to use it as she deems fit. I get really upset when stuff like that comes up – I’m working hard too with little more than debt to show for it.

4) I hate the increasing belief that doctors are overpaid and that a great deal of what they do can be done by lower-level providers. Enough said about this topic.

5) Frequently I have fits of jealousy when I look at others. I constantly compare myself to what I don’t have and what I think others have. Living in an apartment, driving a car that looks trashed and lacks a driver’s side door handle, and struggling with mundane financial issues at the age of 30 infuriates me at times.

6) I think nurses are great sometimes and terrible others. When they do their job and understand the gamesmanship between them and the doctors they can rock. Others, either through time, jealousy, or just a bad attitude can be obnoxious and draining – leading to a lot of time spent maneuvering around them. I’ve found that if doctors can’t evaluate or hold a certain level of expectation on the nurses, the worse they are. I hate the fact that they can make life miserable without any fear from the interns/ residents - we are helpless and a bad nurse can really make a rotation godawful. Hopefully there will be less of those and more of the patient, tolerant, and kind nurses.

7) I hate pop culture music – R&B, rap, hip hop, etc. I find it absurd that white people buy a great deal of this music that promotes sexism, racism, and bigotry towards the white population. I find it even more deplorable that the literacy and grammar of the upcoming generation, buying into this cesspool, is becoming increasingly fragmented and acceptable. We pretend like they’ll be OK, using double negatives two or three times in one sentence, while secretly hoping that we’ll be dead before they take power. Our country has lost itself in trying to be PC and allow any form of stupidity to exist.